Laughter is the best medicine
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If you want to submit a joke of the day send to alvin.spencer@btinternet.com
Jokes Toons
Winston the Jamaican is on 'Who wants to be a
Millionaire' and has reached
the £1 million question. Chris Tarrant says, "Right Winston, this is for £1
million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take
your time. "Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set? "Is
it.
A: Badger
B: Ferret
C: Mole
D: Cuckoo?"
Winston ponders for a while and says, "Backside Chris, mi not sure, gi mi di
50-50, to raas."
"Right, Winston, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're
leftwith. 'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers.
Winston has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "Blouse n Skirt
Chris, mi still nuh know, mek mi phone mi small island bredren."
So who are you going to call?" says Chris.
"Hmmm, I think I'll call Selwyn in Grenada ."
So Tarrant phones Selwyn in Grenada. "Selwyn, this is Chris Tarrant from
'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've got Winston here, and with your help
he could win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be Winston."
"Wha gwan Selwyn". "Where mi money deh...? any way ansa dis an we quits.
What type of hanimal mek im yard in a set?
Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, man." says Selwyn without hesitation.
"You sure, bwoy ?"
"Definite, baas. One undred puurcent. A badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris,"
"I'll go with heediat bwoy Selwyn.
The answer is a badger.
"Final answer, Winston?"
"Yeh mon, Chris."
"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!" Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning Winston calls up Selwyn (reverse charge).
"Bredren that was blood -fire laas night bwoy uh cum good! How di raas you
know badger yard is a sett?"
" I didn't, baas..." replies Selwyn,
SCROLL DOWN
"... But everybody knows cuckoo live in a clock!"
CHINESE
WEDDING NIGHT
A young
Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth
be told, he is a virgin too,
but she doesn't know that.
O
n their
wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in
the darkness.
He climbs
into bed next to her and tries to be
reassuring. "My
darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I
pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,
which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful
silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She
eventually shyly whispers back,
"I
want to try someting I have heard about from other girls...
Numbaa
69."
More
thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually,in a
puzzled
tone he asks her...
"You want...
Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3 sisters
Ann, Jan & Fanny all have big feet. Ann & Jan go on a date and one of the boys
says "
Wow ,
you have big feet!" Ann replies "You should see the size of our Fanny's!"
****************************************************************
Paddy buys
a bath, but takes it back the next day complaining the water keeps running out.
The manager asks "Did you buy a plug?"
Paddy
replies, "You didn't say it was electric!"
****************************************************************
In the
newspaper it said 'Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. Our
neighbour is an 87 year old woman - not once has she come round to check if we
are alright. The lazy b*tch hasn't even taken in her milk for 2 weeks!
****************************************************************
Farmer
Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand.
"I've run
over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor, still alive...."
"Shoot it",
says the farmer, "and then bury it".
A little
while later he gets another phone call.
"Done that,
what should I do with his speed camera?!"
*********************************************************************
I parked in
a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me "Oi, what's your
disability mate?"
"Tourettes,
now f*** off!", I said.
The International Poetry Contest had come down to two,
a Yale graduate and a Jamaican Rastaman.
>
They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word
and come up with a poem that contained the word.
>
The word they were given was " Timbuktu ".
>
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and
said:
>
>Slowly across the desert sand,
>Trekked a lonely caravan;
>Men on camels two by two,
>Destination - Timbuktu ..
>
>The crowd went crazy!
>No way could the Rastaman top that, they thought.
>
>The Rastaman calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
>
>Me and Tim a huntin' went.
>Met three whores in a pop up tent.
>They was three, and we was two,
>So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .
>
>De Rastaman win!
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work . Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home.
She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already. The little Boy says: "Dark in here." The Man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to
buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you
don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£100"
A few weeks later it happened again
and the boy and the lover were in the
cupboard together again.
Boy: "Dark in
here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have soccer
boots."
The Man, remembering the last time,
asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy
says:"£500"
The Man says: "Fine, I will
buy them."
A few days later, the Father
says to the boy:
"Grab your ball and
boots,
let's go outside and have
a game."
The Boy says: "I can't, I sold
them for £600"
The Father says: "That's terrible to
overcharge your friends like
that... £600!!! is way more than
those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to
church
and make you confess your
"SINS."
They go to church and the father makes
the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he
closes the door.
The Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Priest says: "Don't
start that again!"
THIS IS MY CHURCH NOT YOUR
FATHER'S HOUSE!
Perfume
An elderly Bajan lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in New York, going to visit some relatives.
A beautiful young white woman gets in smelling like very expensive perfume. She turns up her nose at the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio, Beverly Hills, $120.00 an ounce."
The elderly lady with a deadpan expression says nothing.
Another young and beautiful woman smelling expensive, enters the lift, turns, looks down her long pointed nose at the old lady and says "Chanel No.5, Paris, $200.00 an ounce."
The
lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the
combined
perfumes.
One
floor later, as the Bajan lady approaches her destination, she quietly
eases out
a long silent burst of gas, which quickly overpowers the combined expensive
perfumes and leaves the two women with water in their eyes.
As she
steps out of the elevator, she turns and says "Breadfruit, Barbados, 36 cents a
pound."
A very loud, unattractive,
hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two
kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children
you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven.
Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they
look alike, you dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would
shag you twice!"
APARTMENT FOR RENT
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend
the night with
her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does
not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check
and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,
realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a
check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for
rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the
note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the
following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is
indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be
forced to contact your present landlady.
A bus stops and two men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig." she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady “said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi',"
A Canadian Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Guyanese driver that because he was wearing his seat belt he had just won $5,000 in the Province safety competition. What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I goin get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the Trini woman in the passenger's seat... "He's a smart ass when he drunk."
This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we was not gonna get far in dis thief-in car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice said, in patois, "Yow!, I man mek it 'crass di barder yet?" The Canadian Highway Patrolman smiled, and handed the $5,000 check to the driver. "I always loved the island talk, but I could never understand it. Have a nice day."
Martin, a loving husband,
was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked
off at him. She told him, "tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6
seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Martin
got up really early before work.
When his wife woke up a
couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure
enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the
middle of the
driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took
the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Martin is not yet well
enough to have visitors
Priceless...
Leroy
from Port Antonio always wanted to look cool.
His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to
go with his shell suit.
Leroy saved up all his pay slips and all the money he got back from
returning his empty bottles of Red Stripe and finally managed to get
himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.
Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by
"See meh new trainers dem? Cool, eh?"
One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine
pair of trainers but was young Leroy aware that he had a lace undone?
Leroy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a
trailing lace and that on the bottom of the trainer there were instructions for
the wearer to only have one lace tied.
When asked for proof of this instruction, Leroy took off his trainer
and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.
"There y'are! It clearly says ....
³TAIWAN.²
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists - an American man, an English man and a Jamaican man. For the final test, the CIA agents took the American to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.'
The American said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent replies, 'Then you are not the right man for this job.'
The English man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the English man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried man, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent replies, 'You do not have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the Jamaican's turn. He took the gun and went into the room. As soon as the door was closed shots were heard, one shot after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Jamaican.
He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, 'Oonu nevah tell mi di bloodclaat gun was loaded wid blanks...mi did haffi beat har pussyclaat to death wid di rassclaat chair!'
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman
Rastaman Divorce Hearing
A Jamaican Rasta man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem
was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, “Your
Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in
my custody.” The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say
in the matter?
The Rasta man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly rose. Your Honor, if I man put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it, ‘I and I’ or the machine’s?
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
Three Little Pigs
The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE this one....
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE IN TRINIDAD (AND GET THEM TO ACTUALLY COME) !
Andre Lashley of Diego Martin, Trinidad was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
Andre` opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked is someone in your house?" and he told them no.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
Andre`said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Lashleys residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to Andre: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
Andre said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT ! Now that's how you call the POLICE
People were in their pews talking at church.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope,"said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
UPSET WIFE
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a
faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce straight away!"
He replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what
happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to
me!"
And he began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked
me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity
on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well
dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So,
in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for
you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing
that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for
a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her
the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I
don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas
that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you
bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a
pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the
door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says,
"Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look for her taxi coming home,
but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why?
Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch
her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth,
but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide
behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks, Dave
************************************
A guy walks into a bar with his pet
monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The
monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes
and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls.
To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied
the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill,
pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again,
and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around
the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the
monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again
sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see
what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a
peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied
the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to sh!t that
cue ball, he measures everything first.
An 86-year -old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" ; "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.
.
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to
come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't
wan to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure
where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see
wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin
up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's
the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts.
And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"
Jamaican Genie
A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of
Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon an old
empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and
lo-and- behold a Genie appeared. She talked with
him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant
her ONE wish.
She said she heard from a cousin that she would
get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.
The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies
nuh real, me is strictly a ONE-WISH Genie.So...
what yuh want?"
The woman didn't hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See
this map, I want these countries to stop fighting
with each other and I want all the Arabs to love
Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring
about world peace and
harmony. "
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lawd
Lady, A wah wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE!
Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousands of
years. Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five
hundred of dem dey years! Mi good but mi nuh dat
good! Mi nuh know
if mi can grant dis one. Do Lady, mek another
wish!! Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well,
I've never been able to find the right Jamaican
man... You know, one that is considerate and fun,
likes to dance and helps with the cooking & house
cleaning, is great in bed and is FAITHFUL. That's
what I wish for...a good Jamaican man.
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and
said, "Mek mi see di map again!!!!"
********************************************
He is 80, she is 20, and it was the talk of the town when an
80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the old fellow saying "this is amazing! How
do you do it at your age? "
He answered," you got to keep the old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said, "You're amazing, how do you do it?"
He again said "you've got to keep the old motor running".
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse then said, "well, well, well! You certainly are
quite a man.
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running.
The nurse said, "Well you better change the oil, this one is
black"
Jamaican Maths Test
A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
little maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman
S
aid. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three
trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent
99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty
tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this
Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and
makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a
hundred!"
"So, when I start?"
Last week's joke
An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and
orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had
produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian
guy just shrugs,
"That's about average back home,
folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the
father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much
does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt
sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."
Dont mess with kids
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
>
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
>
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
>
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked,
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
>
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
>
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
>
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Previous Jokes
Post-it - For those little things you might forget.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I'm driving."
**************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap .
They're still looking for Herman.
A boys first time..
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night & have dinner with
her parents. Since this is
such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner,
she would like to go out & make love for the first
time .
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had
sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's
his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy
for about an hour. He tells
the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex. At the
register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack,
10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the
family pack because he thinks
he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!" The boy goes
inside & is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A
minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10
minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious." The boy turns, & whispers back,
"I had no idea your father
was a pharmacist."
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door.
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar,
they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon.
There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke, "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food.
But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot
down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out...."Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"
....
...
....
.....
"Ees... a.... Ham bush"